You are going to love the news i bring’th you. My mum bought me Downton Abbey. I am ever so excited. I knoww i go on about it all the time, and now i don’t have to wait to watch it once a week and can watch all day every day, and let me assure you… i will. I wouldn’t even stop there, i mean, if i could i would snap the DVD in half and fuck myself violently until i started bleeding regality and wit. However, it is more likely that i would start bleeding out and die, so as of yet the disks remain intact.

So, if it was not implied, right now Downton Abbey is one of my favourite things. Mostly for the clothes and i can’t decide which one i would like to marry; Lady Mary Crawley because she is so harsh and seeping with dry wit, or her mother Cora, Countess of Grantham, because she is SOO regal. But so is Mary. It is one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make, let me assure you of this. In the end I settled on Lady Mary because, well, I saw her in her riding gear, and of course she would be wearing this as she was riding me!

I also like the idea of referring to people by their family status, for example, Cousin Matthew. A habit I am going to take up.

My other favorite thing at the moment is artist impressions of Dinosaurs. I know this will be a shock to ya’ll. But I do mean a particular type; the dramatic type. I don’t see why the scenes they set them in always have to be so viciously dramatic but they are, the looks on their faces, the things they are doing, the gang rapes… you never see them just sat around do you? Having a rest, and reading the paper…

This is a picture of Gigantoraptor, and the description was “…Looming over much smaller dinosaurs.” Looming? Really? It looks more like he is coming out to them. Look how he is stood, the camp little bastard. I imagine him with a lisp, “Listen guys, I just like the feathers, they make me look thinner! Michael says they bring out my eyes….”

The description for this one is “Dinosaur death pit.” Right. But look at his face; does he look like he gives a shit that he is sinking to his death?? Even worse, look closely and you can just about make out the tail and nose of his friend who has already sunk beyond rescue. Look at his face, like really look in to his eyes!! Everything about that face says he is getting a hand job under that quick sand. Even in death, hey, Guanlong?

I really like this one. This screams gang rape to me, let me point you to the Utahraptor EATING OUT the larger dinosaur. Its arse hole. Look at all the other bastards scratching it up and then he feels a little tongue slip into his little private area. Look at their faces, especially the ones in the background with their mouths gaping open, they are fucking loving it. Haha, it is genuinely amazing this picture. I don’t know if I should be horrified or impressed that someone got this approved for a book, i know for a fact it is in more than one. It is meant to show hunting in packs, hunting for sex maybe. Look at the sneaky one at the front, not getting involved. Watching for the police, clearly.

And then tell me this isn’t a scene leading up to another sex attack….

Sex is defiantly happening here!! But why have all the Pterosaurs turned out to watch in force?? Slightly unnerving.

And, just, who the fuck is this sexy, SEXY bastard.

Anyway, i am currently on The Howling 4, which so far is pretty good, but that is because it is a remake of the first one. It is better than 2, which if i had to use one word to describe it, that word would be porn, which i should have really seen coming (ha!) with a title like, The Howling 2: Werewolf Bitch . And 3, god only knows what was going on in 3. This is where we pick up the animal people hybrids. The werewolves had somehow, never really understood how, evolved in to marsupials. So, a woman, who was raped by her father who was a wolf (WHAT?) was one of the leaders in a new race of marsupial, werewolf people. A man found her wondering alone in a park and hired her to be in a film, as you usually do when you see a mental woman living in the park with no shoes. Turns out this guy and this woman shag and she gets preggas. Like a week later (because she obviously has a high metabolism, which i don’t think is the right word, but tis what they said) she gave birth to, what can only be described as a puppy baby. It was like a naked puppy but with an almost human body. WORST OF ALL…. it came out of her vajayjay and then crawled, CRAWLED, to a pouch on her stomach, that looked a bit shoddily made, you see what i mean? Like she had sliced a flap into her stomach with that meat machine you see at Morrisons, over all, she looked rank. Like a shaved kangaroo, in a bikini, and lipstick. Lots and lots of lipstick.

I recommend it guysss…
Here is a couple screen caps.

As sexy as i described, right?

Eleri, right, had the fucking audacity to keep me up until 6am, SIX A M, and then say i was dramatic when i was tired. She called me a drama queen. Me, a drama queen? What?? Seriously, WHAT??

W H A T?!

I am anything but. There may be a slight truth in it, but not a lot.

I decided i was going to make a snow dinosaur if it continued to snow, big enough to ride. I don’t know what my problem is, i live on a street teaming with chavs, like ants on honey. Only the ants are wearing  little track suite bottoms, tucked in to their very little socks, and veryyy little winter hats like an arthropodic Dappy from N-Dubz. Oh, yeahhh… i am down with the kids, be it ant kids, its kids all the same!  If i had been caught in the act i would have been buried so deep in the snow, i would have had to piss on myself to thaw myself out, and so with this thought lingering in my mind, i started building in the back garden.

I have never wanted to die so much. It was like the fucker just wanted to die.

I put his head on, it fell off. I made his body, it split in two and collapsed. In the end i ended up sat in the snow and throwing a tantrum. This was no good, snow is not weather for tantrum throwing, your tears just freeze. And i almost defiantly got frost bite. Actually, come to think of it Eleri wasn’t very sympathetic about this either, and to top it off, she slagged off my snow Dinosaur, or Snowasaur, or Para-snow-rolophus and said it looked like a rabbit. Shesh.

She can do a crab from standing up though, so, swings and roundabouts really.

Now that, that was a lie, intended purely for your entertainment. I do not have braces, there was no old lady, it was make believe, a figment of your imagination that I conjured up using mere words alone. Ok? Ok.

The other day, my friend, lets call her Anita, after all, that is her name, came over to my house and we baked Brownies. Just normal chocolaty brownies, with a whole lot of drugs in them. I didn’t think they had worked at all until I was walking down the street and I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window and for a split second was convinced I was a werewolf. It’s my hair see, I cut it myself and I really do look like a cross between a werewolf and a hick. What I am getting at is, well, I have a mullet. Some one asked if I had done it myself and when I said of course she winced. WINCED. It is that bad, however, I am growing to love it, well, love is a big word, lets go withhhh…… get used to it. I am getting used to it, which is good because I am going away this weekend, and when I say away I mean, to a friends house down south. I am ever so excited, I have never been to Brighton before, I would like to say it was the closest I will have ever been to the equator, but its not. It will be the closest time I have ever been to the equator, bar three other occasions; I checked on a map. Pretty glamorous, I know.

I have told my friend I plan to be pretty much wankered all the time I am there, and that is true. My mum thinks I am on drugs, she stared me out with judging eyes while she was watching Worlds Strictest parents the other day, and I had to pretend I was asleep at one point this week when I was watching Prozac Nation for tips, those tips mostly being how can I get a fit therapist like Anne Heche to give me lots of drugs. My mum is wrong in thinking I am on drugs, wrong being right of course but out of sight and all.

If you are going to complain about the promotion of drugs here, don’t. I will hunt you down, drug you, and let Floyd fuck you with his lipstick penis.

Don’t think I won’t.

I don’t have cankles, THAT was for comedy effect.

Anyway, I didn’t bother going through with the gun thing, because I realised I have trouble with a tin opener most days and would only end up shooting myself in the foot. However, I went to South Chadderton High School so it is a miracle I don’t own a gun already. That school has gone so far downhill that they are literally knocking it down, but what can you expect from a school that often had dead bodies found on the playing fields and a head teacher who was never actually a qualified teacher, and who now works in Primark.

Ok, one body, but it was hanging from the goal posts so, surely that counts double points for sheer grimness.

So, in light of my revelations involving my gun buying abilities I did the next best thing. I know, I know, I should have just cheered up and refrained from such a horrible act but it is done now and well, I can not change it or in fact, stop it. That’s right; I put on my Disney’s Hit Singles and More album.

As I type I am miming along to Cruella De Vill by a man that sounds bloody charming called, Dr. John.

So, about that gun…?

Usually I shy away from the whole Disney franchise, not because I am a dick, I like some Disney films, like, hmm, Robin Hood. But, now I am older and wiser i am almost defiantly aware of the sexy undertones of Disney. Not that I find Robin Hood sexy, I don’t, mostly because of his stubby fingers *shudder*. I mean, for example, the giant cock that makes up a part of The Little Mermaids castle, or her herself, she traded her voice for a vagina so she could get boned to fuck, that sort of thing, not to mention the king of Disney being a nonce, it kind of makes me want to be a little less involved, you know. If I see a kid on the beach playing and having a jolly old time, in its nappy, I get all embarrassed and have to look away, I am that aware of paedophilia accusations flying around, mostly correctly, I do admit I am a huge fan of to Catch a Predator, I just don’t want to have to explain why I was throwing sand at a naked child yelling “My name is Ursula and I am going to get you with my tentacles. My dirty, dirty tentacles.”

Saying all that, I LOVE this Cd, my favourite song being Someday from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, sung beautifully by Eternal. Gosh, do you remember them?! How many years ago was that? Lots, I imagine. It also contains such gems as Beauty and the Beast, Circle of Life and Colours of the wind.

Circle of Life, what a song? I do not like Elton John, I just can’t work him out, but I do like The Lion King, so much so that I have a haunting childhood memory involving it. I say haunting because it is, well, shockingly tragic. When in school, primary not like, GCSE age, at break times my friends and I used to play Lion King. There was four of us, I can’t be sure who for definite, but I was there, and as a girl, a young growing girl, I always insisted on being Mufasa. Yep, you heard. Some one else was Simba and Narla, and the other person, who I can recall but will refrain from naming for their dignity, was a Dalmatian, I do not know why, no. We played this game everyday, twice a day, for what feels like years, we even had our own Pride Rock. Oh yes, we went all out. Ok, it was really a Hopscotch painted on the ground, but when I stood on it and looked over my kingdom (the playground.) I felt like a real man. (Little girl pretending to be a talking lion.) Ahhh those were the days, the days when I was dispensing advice to my young lion and Dalmatian flock, such advice as whether to have Poofs or Transformers at break time. Sometimes we did the death scene; it’s a shocker I was not snapped up by a child actor scout because I died pretty well. Or a paedophile, because I also did a lot of moaning.

My favourite princess is Belle, I like to think because she stands as a model for woman much more than the others who relied on men, or looks, or wishes to get by. But Belle, she’s a dream isn’t she? She likes to read, she can defend herself, she doesn’t sit around waiting for a man to come and save her, no, she finds a Manimal and tames the mean bastard. Where’s her fairy godmother?? UP YOUR ARSE YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

But In reality my favourite is really Mulan, because she is sexy as shit. And as a rule, I never date a girl who hasn’t saved China at least once, I just wouldn’t.

But continuing with the crude theme, i HEARD if you fist someone deep enough and slow like, you can move your arm right up their body and touch their heart. Apparently it is the most sexy thing you can do for someone.

…. PERSONALY, i do not get it. Or really quite believe it. But saying that, i don’t really believe in Formicophilia, which is when someone gets turned on my having insects crawling over their sexy organs. Who the fuck would like that?? I get nervous if someone says Spider, or the thought of a spider crawls into my head, and lays its little eggs of thoughts about legs and hairs and hundreds of eyes. I feel sick.

I also really don’t like the thought of Inflatophilia; being attracted to inflatable toys. Of course people think inflatable woman from Anne Summers, but i bet that’s the least common, i bet its like, inflatable lilos for the pool that get it up the arse, or an inflatable hammer from the fair. Or worse, when Tor and i went to the zoo once we got an inflatable giraffe. OH GOD. I did always wonder why the expression on his face was aways of sorrow.

Of course there is more Robot sex, (mostly with computers), sniffing school girl panties, (so common in Japan they have vending machines that sell used ones) and the scariest of all, Plushophilia, wanting to shag stuffed toys. I bet there is a Toy Story film when Andy has his sexy way with Woody, and his “Woody” and then when they come to life it turns out Hamm the pig is dead because Andy spent all his pocket money on porn and fill Hamm up with his “Ham” and SPUNK.

God.

Right that’s all. I am going because my dear Kat is picking me up in 40 minutes and i am sat here in my pajamas listening to The Saturdays like a knob. I do love The Saturdays, i must admit. I have said it before, but i don’t like Frankie anymore because she is, just awful, like Mollie now. I want her hair, even though i cannot pull off Blonde, i want it, on like a blow up doll or something….. mmmmmm.

ANYWAY, i haven’t wrote on here in a long while have i, and to be honest, i have no excuse apart from i can not be arsed most of the time. I would much rather waste my days watching re-runs of Bad Girls and imagine how i would fare in prison. I like to think it would be all fun and games like Bad Girls, and that i would swan around like some Yvonne Atkins, only with less of a ginger mullet, but alas, it would most tragically be much more like an episode of Banged up Abroad where whilst in a Thai prison, Sandra Gregory watched as a dead woman was left so long in the sun that she swelled and EXPLODED all over the yard. The two Julie’s never had to clean up that shit did they? The most they had to put up with was cleaning up a blocked toilet after they flushed their mobile phones that they had thrown over the wall (simple as it sounds) and which they had used to run a chatline for men wanting to wank off to, well, Bad Girls.

And don’t even get me started on giving one of them punters a quick hand job in the visiting room into a yogurt pot. Bad Girls is nothing if not realistic.

So here’s the thing, remember when i went awol last time and didn’t write on this for months, then i just updated you via twitter updates, yeah? Lets do that again.

Gosh, well, this plan has gone tits up. I just read pages of my boring rambling about vomiting, hanging out with drag queens, being called an appalling tart and getting told off for having loud sex. Which by the way, i do not have. My friend told me his neighbor had said to him she wanted to me to go round and apologise for having loud sex in his house while he was away. I believed him untill he said she had also said she was flicking herself off while listening. This is the company i keep. Kev is a bloody pervert.

But like a lovable pervert. Like the kind of pervert i would imagine i would meet in prison, sneaky sex joke here, thrusting hip motion there. When in reality the “lovable pervert” would be called “Patricia the Plunger Princess”, and instead of a sneaky sex joke, it would be a sneaky fuck up the arse with a broom handle.

So yeah, its crap like that and well, i go on about Downton Abby quite a bit too. Have you seen the advert for it? Like seriously, bloody hell. It looks amazing, but i have an awful, gut wrenching even, feeling that after the epic-ness of the advert i am gonna be disappointed by the actual show, but, hmm, Maggie Smith is in it, so it is going to be amazing. Because she is amazing. Isn’t she? Yeah, she is. Or am i thinking of Holland Taylor? I always get the two mixed up, but i do genuinely love them both. Like, almost inappropriately. Nah, definitely inappropriately.

I am not the biggest fan of period dramas i must admit but one of my favorite things in the world EVER is Bleak House. Mostly because of the great Gillian Anderson. But, it is bloody excellent. I like how Esther Summerson, who is very ugly gets Small Pox which disfigures her horribly. AND then just when she eventually finds her birth mother, the ever so well spoken Lady Dedlock, and on the verge of happiness, Lady D dies so tragically in the rain. Better luck next time Esther.

My favorite bit is when Lady D faints, it’s just so epic. NO, i tell a lie, my favorite part is all her outfits, they are amazing. The first time she meets Esther they are taking shelter from the rain and she is wearing this little red riding hood number. I may take up Victorian dressing, i can literally see no down side to it, apart from maybe a slight difficulty getting on public transport. But time will tell…..

I will tell you Lady Dedlock’s secret: Once, a long time ago she slept with a man she was in love with.

What. A. Slag.

Too far?

Anyway, this week has just been delightful, I have barely felt it or ever noticed it, which, trust me when I say, is a rarity. I also haven’t had any dreams about my teeth falling out for over two months now. Which is even MORE of a rarity, considering I had pretty violent ones for a long time, pretty much every other night. Go back a few blogs for a lovely description of one, I think, I might be making that post up though, I don’t know. I don’t really give a shit. God, I’m gonna stop bringing up shits. Do I need a shit?…..

Anyhoo, I am not sure what could have changed in the past few months that could have produced this wonderful turn around in what, I would describe as two of the RANKEST burdens in my life, but something has, so go figure.

In other news, something today I found amazing:

Have you ever seen the talk show Maury? He is like a cheap ass Jerry Springer, or an American Jeremy Kyle. Well, he had this woman on who wanted to know the paternity of her kid, with the choice of two men. The first man, her brother, who she, her words not mine, “accidentally slept with.” Good god. How? The second man was, of course, her brothers, half brother. This situation in itself is pretty amazing. First of all how did she ACIDENTLY shag her brother, was it a spunk on the toilet seat incident or an awkward hug sort of situation? And further more, why did she shag her brother’s half brother? Maybe, he looked a lot like her brother and she was seeing him and mistook her brother for her brother’s half brother and shagged him. But if this was the case, why didn’t her brother stop himself from shagging his sister and half brothers girlfriend??

Confused? Hmmm. It gets better.

Her brother was also her father!!

Ok, he wasn’t, I made that up. I kind of secretly hope he was. Not that I agree with incest and inbreeding, far from it BUT, how amazing would that show be. Like literally? And they bought the child out and it had like seven eyes and only spoke jibberish because it was so inbreed. Speaking of the child they mentioned its name, which really made the story for me. Liger. Fucking LIGER? This, if I am not mistaken, is a cross between a Lion and a Tiger and who can not procreate as a consequence of the massive interbreeding in this species.

So, bitch, don’t sit there and tell me you shagged him by accident. You named your child after an inbreeding disaster of nature. You might as well have called your child Willy the Wank Mistake and got it over with.

Now I think of it though, I actually don’t think the kid was called Liger. No, infact I am sure he wasn’t. He was called Zion. Which is still as bad because, be ready for this:

Sky 1 – The Lion Man – Zion Wildlife Park – Big Cats / Lions / Tigers – Ligers – Zion?!!

You see the connection?? So it is just as bad. Only she tried to hide her secret via a sick joke, but I can see it. I can see it woman!! She shagged her brother and she loved it. What a slut.

Anyway, I know I still haven’t done episode three of Booking shit, as I still can not be arsed, so don’t rush me. I only did this blog because I sat down to watch Dawn goes Lesbian which is turning out shocking awkward for all involved. I even feel awkward. She isn’t a lesbian and she has gone and stood in the middle of a dance floor in a gay bar with her boobs taped down, dressed as a trucker from a southern state, waiting for girls to hit on her, and shockingly, they aint. She has decided that she has fallen for her flat mate who is gay but has a whole other person living on her face disguised as a nose. That fucker is HUGE. Like, massive. I doubt using the description of “a mother fucking house” would be sufficient. Oh dear.

Speaking of lesbians, my tickets for Manchester pride came today!! And i have my outfit ready. If you’re going and you see me come and look at my top. It has a turkey on it. Don’t make me suggest the ironic connections. Let’s just say baster and have it done with.

God. I’m so awfully gay, I even make Dawn look good.

Yes, i wanna be Zhou Weihui. What of it?? Life here is SHIT, and this is what i want now. I want to spend my day so content that at night i can realise that another day has passed that i have not spoken a word, but instead poured everything i thought onto a piece of paper, flowing so easily, much like milk into a glass. I am going to relinquish my phone and computer too. I may have a land line, but nothing that allows text messages. A pile of reference books where initially you would assume a TV to be.

It is safe to say that untill this happens i am going to be constantly mad at life, and living and at bloody Countdown. You can’t have a countdown conundrum that is two words! TWO WORDS!! It’s a one word game, you have to make the longest word, not as many words as you can!! FOOLS!!

I guess it could be worse, i am reading a book, well three books, but one is a book that has loads of different incidents from history, that were, lets say.. weird. One is about a guy known as The Plow Boy Prophet. He was a simple boy who never talked, but one day he started yelling “You have failed Dick, well Done Harry!!” And everyone was all, Whhaaat? What a nutter. Turns out at that exact moment Richard the whatever died and Henry the… whatever, became king. He also foresaw his death this guy, thinking he would starve in the castle. The King thought this was absurd and made sure he was well looked after and had all the food he could ever want, when he was brought to the castle. Untill of course the King went away and locked the Plow Boy in a cupboard for his own protection and forget about him, until he starved to death.

What a fucking tragic story. I have no sympathy though. You see you are going to die in a castle, you don’t go to a fucking castle.

I also watched Shank. It was Shit. I am also mad at that. Not the man on man porn that i kept getting when i was trying to download it, but the teen gangster film with Kaya Scodelario. I like her because she has a voice like a 60-year-old who has smoked 100 a day. It’s hot. The rest of the film was wank. Ironically, that is also what one man was doing to his friend in the other ‘Shank’.

A while ago i decided i would get a hobby, and since i have always wanted and to a slight degree, needed to know Latin, i though oh i will teach myself Latin. All i have to say on the matter, is that i am such a Cock. Latin is SO hard. Like, way to hard. Interesting though, i guess. Like, the reason i became, i think it is fair to say, obsessed with it was because when i found out the Latin for Fox is Vulpi, like its scientific name Vulpes Vulpes and like the fox Pokemon Vulpix, i wanted to know more.

BLEH!!!

Oh, i will do episode three off Ren Does this Booking shit when i can be arsed. Look forward to it, this episode is gonna be fucking mental because the book i have chosen is WILD!! It is called “The ever-changing Woodlands: The Living Countryside” See what i did there?? … pft.

Gosh. This week has been, interesting. It has involved:

- Starting a fight with a pensioner over a parking spot. In my defense, he was a fucking cock. And he started a fight with my Auntie, who is elderly in her own right. Is 65 elderly? Well, she is my Aunt, so that was reason enough. The fucking bastard scurried away though while I was searching the floor for a rock to deck him with, or at least scratch “You a sodding knob!” in to his car. Or forehead.

- Fainting in the blood room at the hospital. Seriously though, why does the blood insist on poring out soooo fast! It just shoots out doesn’t it? No wonder Aids is so catching. People who have got it probably were just standing near somebody and the blood just exploded out of their veins all over the surrounding public. Much like when you see a water balloon explode in slow motion? Yeah? Because I have no trouble believing this after seeing the pressure of that fucker!

- I got a new vintage book. And oh my god, I can’t put it down. It’s a little strange, to say the least. I showed it to my friend, Cat, with the intention of her seeing its beauty. But no. She just went though it, choosing perfectly innocent, none *cough* erotic scenes and made them sexy. She is very good at it mind. And to be fair, some of it is a little let’s say, semi erotic. God, not erotic. NOT EROTIC. Just, there is a lot of discussion about riding atop their muscular steeds and breeding with each other! Awful as it sounds, it doesn’t in the story. I assure you.

SPEEKING of Cat and muscular steeds, despite what she would have you believe on Face book, she showed me a delightful website about, wait for it, or hold your horses as it were… haha, Centaur porn.

Yes.

It was, well, I can’t say it wasn’t shocking. Because it was fucking shocking, I just don’t understand it. Especially when some of these Centaurs had like 6 legs and 4 penises. I even saw one that had like human hands for feet, and his story implied that it wasn’t a happy accident, that he had purposely done it! Just, whyyyyy? Not even that, but HOWW? What the fuck is he gonna do with that?? He can’t hold anything, I might have understood a little more if he had feet put where his hands were, and then, the feet that are going to be thrown away, he would take the thumbs or like two fingers and graft them on to his feet hands. THAT I could understand, but this, this was just absurd!!

And really, who finds this sexy? Not I. And I can imagine, not 99.99% of the population. But there will be that few. There has to be that few! There were submitted stories for fucks sake!! I have had a think about this, well, it was hard not to, the images are engraved on to my mind forever! But, I have decided, it MUST be like the people who are like, obsessed with things like Dungeons and Dragons, Larping and such because if you are around mythical creatures all day, and people you hang out with dress up as them, surely you must develop some sort of attraction.

But still. That is no excuse to Photoshop a young boys face and cock on too a Dolphin gracefully jumping out of the ocean. That is one step away from bestiality. Actually, is it bestiality? I am going to go with yes it is! And you would have to do it in water, but not in water… you know, so it’s awkward and inappropriate bestiality at that. God.

And on that note, here is week two of Ren Does This Booking shit. In two parts. Fuck yeahhhh.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Right, so this expansion i mentioned, is into, video blogging. God, I know. What am i thinking. But, you know, 4 episodes,  Ren does this Booking shit!! Check it out…..