I’m gonna start charging.
I am just going to put this right out there; animal people hybrids, i do not get. I get werewolves, of course, which is why i am currently watching The Howling series (yes, all 7 of them). I loved the first one; i always wanted to watch it since i saw Scream at the tender age of 11. You know the bit, a woman in the video store asks for “the werewolf movie with ET’s mum in it?”. This description lead me to believe that Et’s actual mum was in it, waddling about the woods, looking for her lost son but only finding rabie-fuelled wolves ripping apart the carcass of a whitened ET (he doesn’t actually make it home in the ex-rated version, he dies in the river and gets arsed raped by that Racoon, you know the bit?). Anyway, she wasn’t, it’s actually Dee Wallace, ELLIOTTS mum. I was gutted when i watched it, and pretty fucking livid. I got the train all the way to Cardiff to go and buy it. Admittedly, Cardiff is 20 minutes on the train, and the DVD was only £1, and turns out its now one of my favourite films, but still, fucking fuming.
Anyway, i am currently on The Howling 4, which so far is pretty good, but that is because it is a remake of the first one. It is better than 2, which if i had to use one word to describe it, that word would be porn, which i should have really seen coming (ha!) with a title like, The Howling 2: Werewolf Bitch . And 3, god only knows what was going on in 3. This is where we pick up the animal people hybrids. The werewolves had somehow, never really understood how, evolved in to marsupials. So, a woman, who was raped by her father who was a wolf (WHAT?) was one of the leaders in a new race of marsupial, werewolf people. A man found her wondering alone in a park and hired her to be in a film, as you usually do when you see a mental woman living in the park with no shoes. Turns out this guy and this woman shag and she gets preggas. Like a week later (because she obviously has a high metabolism, which i don’t think is the right word, but tis what they said) she gave birth to, what can only be described as a puppy baby. It was like a naked puppy but with an almost human body. WORST OF ALL…. it came out of her vajayjay and then crawled, CRAWLED, to a pouch on her stomach, that looked a bit shoddily made, you see what i mean? Like she had sliced a flap into her stomach with that meat machine you see at Morrisons, over all, she looked rank. Like a shaved kangaroo, in a bikini, and lipstick. Lots and lots of lipstick.
I recommend it guysss…
Here is a couple screen caps.
As sexy as i described, right?
Eleri, right, had the fucking audacity to keep me up until 6am, SIX A M, and then say i was dramatic when i was tired. She called me a drama queen. Me, a drama queen? What?? Seriously, WHAT??
W H A T?!
I am anything but. There may be a slight truth in it, but not a lot.
I decided i was going to make a snow dinosaur if it continued to snow, big enough to ride. I don’t know what my problem is, i live on a street teaming with chavs, like ants on honey. Only the ants are wearing little track suite bottoms, tucked in to their very little socks, and veryyy little winter hats like an arthropodic Dappy from N-Dubz. Oh, yeahhh… i am down with the kids, be it ant kids, its kids all the same! If i had been caught in the act i would have been buried so deep in the snow, i would have had to piss on myself to thaw myself out, and so with this thought lingering in my mind, i started building in the back garden.
I have never wanted to die so much. It was like the fucker just wanted to die.
I put his head on, it fell off. I made his body, it split in two and collapsed. In the end i ended up sat in the snow and throwing a tantrum. This was no good, snow is not weather for tantrum throwing, your tears just freeze. And i almost defiantly got frost bite. Actually, come to think of it Eleri wasn’t very sympathetic about this either, and to top it off, she slagged off my snow Dinosaur, or Snowasaur, or Para-snow-rolophus and said it looked like a rabbit. Shesh.
She can do a crab from standing up though, so, swings and roundabouts really.
