Choose Lust

Crikey, I am depressed. SO depressed I spent a good, oh, three minutes, contemplating buying a gun. Then I realised I am a white girl, well woman if my cankles are anything to go by, living in the most middle class house on my road, with a tendency to scream at the sight of my own shadow. I would like to say this was a joke, but earlier there was an incident with my reflection, and well….yeah.

I don’t have cankles, THAT was for comedy effect.

Anyway, I didn’t bother going through with the gun thing, because I realised I have trouble with a tin opener most days and would only end up shooting myself in the foot. However, I went to South Chadderton High School so it is a miracle I don’t own a gun already. That school has gone so far downhill that they are literally knocking it down, but what can you expect from a school that often had dead bodies found on the playing fields and a head teacher who was never actually a qualified teacher, and who now works in Primark.

Ok, one body, but it was hanging from the goal posts so, surely that counts double points for sheer grimness.

So, in light of my revelations involving my gun buying abilities I did the next best thing. I know, I know, I should have just cheered up and refrained from such a horrible act but it is done now and well, I can not change it or in fact, stop it. That’s right; I put on my Disney’s Hit Singles and More album.

As I type I am miming along to Cruella De Vill by a man that sounds bloody charming called, Dr. John.

So, about that gun…?

Usually I shy away from the whole Disney franchise, not because I am a dick, I like some Disney films, like, hmm, Robin Hood. But, now I am older and wiser i am almost defiantly aware of the sexy undertones of Disney. Not that I find Robin Hood sexy, I don’t, mostly because of his stubby fingers *shudder*. I mean, for example, the giant cock that makes up a part of The Little Mermaids castle, or her herself, she traded her voice for a vagina so she could get boned to fuck, that sort of thing, not to mention the king of Disney being a nonce, it kind of makes me want to be a little less involved, you know. If I see a kid on the beach playing and having a jolly old time, in its nappy, I get all embarrassed and have to look away, I am that aware of paedophilia accusations flying around, mostly correctly, I do admit I am a huge fan of to Catch a Predator, I just don’t want to have to explain why I was throwing sand at a naked child yelling “My name is Ursula and I am going to get you with my tentacles. My dirty, dirty tentacles.”

Saying all that, I LOVE this Cd, my favourite song being Someday from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, sung beautifully by Eternal. Gosh, do you remember them?! How many years ago was that? Lots, I imagine. It also contains such gems as Beauty and the Beast, Circle of Life and Colours of the wind.

Circle of Life, what a song? I do not like Elton John, I just can’t work him out, but I do like The Lion King, so much so that I have a haunting childhood memory involving it. I say haunting because it is, well, shockingly tragic. When in school, primary not like, GCSE age, at break times my friends and I used to play Lion King. There was four of us, I can’t be sure who for definite, but I was there, and as a girl, a young growing girl, I always insisted on being Mufasa. Yep, you heard. Some one else was Simba and Narla, and the other person, who I can recall but will refrain from naming for their dignity, was a Dalmatian, I do not know why, no. We played this game everyday, twice a day, for what feels like years, we even had our own Pride Rock. Oh yes, we went all out. Ok, it was really a Hopscotch painted on the ground, but when I stood on it and looked over my kingdom (the playground.) I felt like a real man. (Little girl pretending to be a talking lion.) Ahhh those were the days, the days when I was dispensing advice to my young lion and Dalmatian flock, such advice as whether to have Poofs or Transformers at break time. Sometimes we did the death scene; it’s a shocker I was not snapped up by a child actor scout because I died pretty well. Or a paedophile, because I also did a lot of moaning.

My favourite princess is Belle, I like to think because she stands as a model for woman much more than the others who relied on men, or looks, or wishes to get by. But Belle, she’s a dream isn’t she? She likes to read, she can defend herself, she doesn’t sit around waiting for a man to come and save her, no, she finds a Manimal and tames the mean bastard. Where’s her fairy godmother?? UP YOUR ARSE YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

But In reality my favourite is really Mulan, because she is sexy as shit. And as a rule, I never date a girl who hasn’t saved China at least once, I just wouldn’t.