Nemo, means Nobody in Latin.

Hello. I saw a naked Badger today. Can you imagine? Some woman was washing it, all aggressive like, it was a sight to be seen i assure you.

ANYWAY, i haven’t wrote on here in a long while have i, and to be honest, i have no excuse apart from i can not be arsed most of the time. I would much rather waste my days watching re-runs of Bad Girls and imagine how i would fare in prison. I like to think it would be all fun and games like Bad Girls, and that i would swan around like some Yvonne Atkins, only with less of a ginger mullet, but alas, it would most tragically be much more like an episode of Banged up Abroad where whilst in a Thai prison, Sandra Gregory watched as a dead woman was left so long in the sun that she swelled and EXPLODED all over the yard. The two Julie’s never had to clean up that shit did they? The most they had to put up with was cleaning up a blocked toilet after they flushed their mobile phones that they had thrown over the wall (simple as it sounds) and which they had used to run a chatline for men wanting to wank off to, well, Bad Girls.

And don’t even get me started on giving one of them punters a quick hand job in the visiting room into a yogurt pot. Bad Girls is nothing if not realistic.

So here’s the thing, remember when i went awol last time and didn’t write on this for months, then i just updated you via twitter updates, yeah? Lets do that again.

Gosh, well, this plan has gone tits up. I just read pages of my boring rambling about vomiting, hanging out with drag queens, being called an appalling tart and getting told off for having loud sex. Which by the way, i do not have. My friend told me his neighbor had said to him she wanted to me to go round and apologise for having loud sex in his house while he was away. I believed him untill he said she had also said she was flicking herself off while listening. This is the company i keep. Kev is a bloody pervert.

But like a lovable pervert. Like the kind of pervert i would imagine i would meet in prison, sneaky sex joke here, thrusting hip motion there. When in reality the “lovable pervert” would be called “Patricia the Plunger Princess”, and instead of a sneaky sex joke, it would be a sneaky fuck up the arse with a broom handle.

So yeah, its crap like that and well, i go on about Downton Abby quite a bit too. Have you seen the advert for it? Like seriously, bloody hell. It looks amazing, but i have an awful, gut wrenching even, feeling that after the epic-ness of the advert i am gonna be disappointed by the actual show, but, hmm, Maggie Smith is in it, so it is going to be amazing. Because she is amazing. Isn’t she? Yeah, she is. Or am i thinking of Holland Taylor? I always get the two mixed up, but i do genuinely love them both. Like, almost inappropriately. Nah, definitely inappropriately.

I am not the biggest fan of period dramas i must admit but one of my favorite things in the world EVER is Bleak House. Mostly because of the great Gillian Anderson. But, it is bloody excellent. I like how Esther Summerson, who is very ugly gets Small Pox which disfigures her horribly. AND then just when she eventually finds her birth mother, the ever so well spoken Lady Dedlock, and on the verge of happiness, Lady D dies so tragically in the rain. Better luck next time Esther.

My favorite bit is when Lady D faints, it’s just so epic. NO, i tell a lie, my favorite part is all her outfits, they are amazing. The first time she meets Esther they are taking shelter from the rain and she is wearing this little red riding hood number. I may take up Victorian dressing, i can literally see no down side to it, apart from maybe a slight difficulty getting on public transport. But time will tell…..

I will tell you Lady Dedlock’s secret: Once, a long time ago she slept with a man she was in love with.

What. A. Slag.