Whats the worst that could happen, apart from the odd death, of course.
I have sooo much work to do. Like loads! And all I ever seem to do is sit down to work then watch hours of crap! WELL, not crap… just hours and hours of stuff I shouldn’t be watching. Well, no that doesn’t sound right, I don’t mean porn. Just, ANYWAY. What I am getting at is I don’t have much time to sit and write blogs at the moment, I do have time to watch three seasons of Supernatural, two seasons of Dexter, two seasons of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, I wont go on, you get the picture.
However, i have started up a new type of blog, just pictures and videos like, mostly to entertain myself. It’s here: http://ren87.tumblr.com/
I will say this before I go. WELL looking forward to this weeks Skins, Naomi. Last week was a bit of a disappointment if truth be told. But from the look of the advert its her episode this week and the sooner the better, my girlfriend gets mad when i have sex dreams about her! Pfft.
Go quiet through the trees, cos i’m still here breathing now.
When, in my life, EVER, will I need to know how to investigate a contaminated old works site?? I’m thinking, never. Well, I know never because I would never apply for a job that would require me to do such a thing, im not stupid. So tell me why must I write these two, TWO, shitty essays on the subject?? Hence this blog, it’s this or work, and I have no idea what to do with that crap, so here we go..
If you could be either a werewolf or a vampire which would you be? I mean, if you were a wolf though, you didn’t depend on the phases of the moon, but don’t let that make you think you would be as massive as the twats in twilight. No sir. I think Tor and i both choose vampires. But what type. We have three for you to choose from; the vampires of, Being Human, twilight or True Blood? I think Being Human, you can go out in the day. So can the Twilight posse i hear you cry. But come on, i remember when vampires sucked blood, not cock. Apart from Esme of course, she’s just lovely. And True Blood, I like the teeth, not so much the sound of the teeth, or the bleeding from any given hole when tired, or the burning to a crisp in sunlight. But some how, True Blood is the best. If you havent watched it, you should. It has Vinnie in it from Home and Away. Vintage Home and Away cast is always the best to pop up in your daily life. Like, doing the washing up and Oh. Theres Natalie Imbruglia. Good times had by all.
I wont ruin it, as it seems I have a Knack of doing so, but if you have seen it, WTF was the ending to season 2?? Well pissed off, mostly because I don’t know who took him and because I hate bill, he’s an arrogant twat and Anna Paquin is way to good for him. She reminds me of that Welsh one, Katherine Jenkins. My mum cried when she sang on The Graham Norton show, seriously. Haha. But I digress.
Personally I think Sookie should be with Eric, he’s a real vampire. I like him.
Just to annoy Tor and because its been a while since she has been mentioned, Just thought I’d let you know Skins is back next week, staring the LOVELY Lilly Loveless. Its gonna be good, apart from the fact that they insist on having other characters in it apart from Lily. *sigh* Speaking of which, I am also overly pissed off that Heidi Fleiss got evicted from Big Brother. What a fucking rip off. She is the only decent one in there. I did like Stephanie, but then she started talking and well, she’s a bit of a bitch isn’t she. Dynasty gave me false hope.
Anyway. I have a new tattoo, here be a photo. It’s an Owl, if you can’t make it out.
Every time I look to you a mild depression comes screaming through
How do?!
Today aint really gonna be a funny one, I have lost it the past few days, I say lost it, its more I have been so on the fucking ball I have burnt myself out. Haha jesus. I say burnt out, I have been threatening to lock my friend in a box and leave her there, and by box, I mean my fanny. Nah, I don’t really know how that one went, or how it came up but it made me laugh.
Elsewhere, news wise of course, how excited are ya’ll for Celebrity Big Brother tonight? I am ever so excited. It’s like my secret shame. Not really secret, I do not hide the fact that I watch every season, every episode. Loveee it. I prefer the no mans version in summer, but celebrity will do for now. Here is a list of people I am hoping will go in:
1: Russell Brand, Johnathan Ross and Andrew Sachs. (I think it’s about time that the country realises, it wasnt that bad! In fact it was really quite funny.)
2: Oprah Winfrey. (No one seems to understand what a dick she is, even after she commissioned a statue.. of herself!! seriously??)
3: Nick Griffin. (Because of the task where he is handcuffed to a black, gay cross dresser, I feel he will excel in this one.)
4: Nikolai Dzhumagaliev. (Just so you know he was a serial killer who ate up to 100 women in the 80’s, with his, wait for it… metal teeth. After ten years he was simply released, and thus, free to audition, as i imagine he has always wanted to. At first he would be in a cage in the corner, and they would just chuck him raw meat, but one morning they would wake and his cage would be open and empty, and he and Oprah would be missing… )
5: Gillian Anderson. (Just because she is ever so lovely.)
I think you will agree that it is gonna be the best series yet. I fear, however, i may have got your hopes up and the most you can expect is a few ex pop or soap stars and maybe an ex apprentice star. But if we are very very lucky, they may get a disgraced celebrity that we can all watch in disbelief and shock, maybe Gary Glitter. Oooo or Leslie Grantham.
Fingers crossed like.
Now to round this joyas occasion off i have some pictures for you. I conducted a competition on the internet and got people to draw a picture of a dinosaur or a unicorn, or both together, I don’t mind, i’m not Nick Griffin. Anyway, 52 people entered and not one of them had an ounce of talent. But most of the unicorn submissions involved murder of the human race , wasn’t really reassuring. Do not fear though, none of them entries won, i am not one to condone genocide, in fact no one won, I never actually used the word competition, so as it is, really, I won. And I would have reveling in my greatness if they werent this bloody bad. Here is a few of the worse:
As I said, Unicorn murder. It’s not the My Little Pony I remember, oh no.
Wtf? Seriously… what the hell is this? I think I see a Llama in there, but really? You think this shit effort would give you a chance of winning? Dude, all you won was my pity.
I forgot to mention what I wanted was a cross between a dinosaur and a unicorn, an abomination against nature if you will, taking a shit. Luckly the person who drew this knew what I like.
I really quite like this one, especially how the unicorn appears to be in motion and is wearing a beautiful scarf. I love it. Bask in its glory….
Bloody hell, i can’t catch my breath.
Oh no. Its 2am and I have spent my night doing what? Rubbing myself with Ibuprofen gel and watching Jerry Springer, oh yes. How jealous are you? Don’t bombard me with your letters of lust for my lifestyle, I can imagine.
Anyway, speaking of Jerry, lets move on to his lady counterpart… Oprah. I used to love Oprah, well, I say love, let’s go with like; I used to appreciate jolly, tubby ol’ Oprah. But then, BUT THEN the nasty bitch lost all the weight and replaced it with pure evil, and now, she’s a cow. Evidence you want?
Case 1: I saw an episode with a lady on who was obviously very ill with anorexia. Fair play to the woman, I don’t belive you choose to have an eating disorder at all, and this poor, poor woman went to the “Queen” of America (not my words, by any stretch of the imagination) for help. She had no money, couldn’t afford the medical fees as she had a family to support. So understandably her next call of port was Oprah, much like some one in Britain with a couple of random kids that could be theirs run to Jeremy, or if your cousin has been caught in your living room shagging your coat, Trisha.
I’d like to say that I made that up, but I didn’t, I really didn’t. He shagged a COAT!
SO, she wanted help, she wanted to get better for her kids, cue awfully tear jerking photo of the kids, she loves them and she owes to them to be the mum they deserve. At this point I’m in tears, I just want Oprah to take her in her arms and save her, buts alas, what did she do, cut to Oprah: (Who has chicken grease dribbling from her fangs.)
Oprah: “Do you want your kids to be left alone when you die?”
Woman: “No.”
Oprah: “Well…..EAT.”
Wait, what?
I don’t care who you are, you can not say that. It just shows how heartless you are, you bitch. Is it going to far to say that she was only being such a knob because she had met someone who had lost more weight then her?
It is…? Oh well, its true, so fucking deal with it, and next time you see Oprah stone her, preferably with food instead of rocks and hopefully, through some sort of miracle osmosis she will get massive and we can mock her.
“Oprah dear, do you want to die from obesity?”
“Erm, no.”
“STOP EATING, youfucking whale!”
Even writing this i can see how awful it is, and viciously inappropriate, but kids, lets move on to Case 2.
Case 2: America, the heart of weird shit and a woman decides to visit her friend only to be mauled within an inch of her life by a mental pet monkey. The monkey rips off her hands and eats them in front of her very eyes, seconds before ripping out said eyes and shredding off her face. I kid you not.
Elsewhere in America, the story reaches Oprah of a woman who survived being eaten alive by a monkey. No one has see anything like this before, in fact no one has seen this at all as the woman is recovering behind closed doors, privately, as so she should. Oprah, being the soul bearer of a heart the size of the sun, beating with love and compassion for the rest of the human race, she decides, I must help this woman, like scores of anorexics before her, I will save her. Between me and you, I think Oprah’s style of helping may be a little, not warped, I’d say more, fucked up. She decides all she can do is bring this poor, poor woman on her show, initially covered with a vail, and conduct a reveal to the American people. I belive her actual words were, “shocking reveal.”
I don’t know the facts, but if the woman was goading the animal into having no option but to attack her, I think she got what she deserved. I’m not saying she deserved it, what I am saying is, she suffered enough didn’t she? She didn’t need to be dragged on Tv to have her disfigured appearance reveled. Especially, OPARAHHHH, when your viewers look at your ugly mug day in day out, I imagine it would take a lot to shock them.
The sad fact is, I used to like Oprah, before 90% of the fluid in her body was replaced with bitterness and greed. Now I just miss the glory days when she was just telling us what beautiful books to read. Beautiful books about people who have got through hard times; “Daddy, no!” and “Shit, can’t get hold of my dealer!” my personal favorites.
Ohhh, that’s right, the sneaky bitch was at it back then too wasn’t she, promoting true stories that turned out to be fiction. Giving people hope, you could argue is a good thing, but all the money she got from the promotion of books by middle class Ohio born and breed housewives, telling their TRUE accounts of escaping concentration camps during the holocaust in Nazi Germany, she spent on the extraction of pure evil from murders, rapists, with a bit a snake venom, all mixed with a bit of Marmite and shot straight into her veins, resulting in the lovely Oprah we see today.
To be fair, there is probably a lot more examples of her love, but to be honest with you, I’d much rather spend my days watching Most Haunted on Living. At least going into that you have a vague idea that if they have not left this earth for heaven, the spirits are probably evil and out to get you. Over on the Diva channel you have no idea that Oprah is a prick, right up until she spits in your face and rapes you up the arse with this weeks best seller, paper cutting your anus with every single bloody page.
Cheers for the love Oprah, just, cheers.
That fire you ignited
It seems to me that people like my blogs, shit as they may be, but do like them more when they have some sort of structure or topic, not just me rambling on about utter crap, that is usually about people you don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, the next blog I write will be right back into that frame, however not this one, oh no my friend, this one has a topic, and that would be my future career. I know you don’t give a shit, but I’m going to talk through the options and you will enjoy it. Here we go…
1: Artist.
That’s right, I can hold a paint brush. This week I have been commissioned to do a painting. Commissioned being the right word, but I use it lightly. My friend’s boyfriend has asked me to do a painting of him, my friend and their dog. Seriously. It’s like I should be painting royalty in the Tudor era. I might make then pose in front of me. Years later it will be in a big house, on the wall of the parlour or some place. Truth be told, I am not the best of artists, I think my style is one that you have to have a certain taste for, some may say its shit, but people seem to like it… sometimes. I have been known to use my art as a offering of sorts, mostly for sex. Yep, I’m an art whore. It’s not as awful as it may sound, I imagine you are all judging me as I speak. Let me explain. I don’t really do a lot of work, despite my skills of perfect art perfection, second only to art goddess Georgia O’Keefe, but when I do, it’s usually for my girlfriend. I have done it with my ex’s and my current girlfriend, maybe I am keen to impress, who knows, but it works, I have never given anyone a picture who I haven’t shagged. If I have, get in touch, we’ll go for a drink, maybe a meal… nahhhh, we won’t. I don’t seem to do it much with my current girlfriend anymore, I guess I have maybe grew out of it, or maybe after nearly three and a half years she is trapped for good and there is no more need to try and impress, who knows.
Tomorrow I am going to my friends house to paint her brothers bedroom, this shall be good because I am going to get drunk first. Sam doesn’t know this, she will when she picks me up and I vomit in her car.
2: Comedian.
To be honest with you, I really want to be a comedian. And I am generally not a big headed person, but I like to think I can crack a joke, people usually laugh with me or at me when I talk to them, and either one is good for me. But here is my issue, the things I say, be it every day or if I set out to make someone laugh, are usually, well, vulgar. And not just rank, but so rank that you feel as if you can small the offensiveness of the words. Seriously, and the worst part, I love it. Vulgarity is my thing. Crudeness, inappropriateness and plain just wrong things to say, is usually what I tend say. Truth be told, I almost enjoy the initial “oh god, I can’t believe you just said that” more than I do the laughing. Well i have to when I’m walking around making jokes about blood clots oozing out of my clunge.
Down points to the job are mostly being likened to Jo Brand, although this gives me an excuses to start wearing head scarves and I don’t take much convincing. People I don’t know do though when I roll up with a tea towel on my head, cracking jokes about bestiality with cats dressed in people clothes, and little hats. I have some brill jokes about animals, most of them start though with, so you wake in the middle of the night and there is a Slow Loris sat on the edge of your bed putting lipstick on. And from here really this joke can go a few ways, be it murder or sexual assault on that Slow Loris mind, either way the fucker is going to crawl up your fanny.
Ha. That will be the opener of my DVD I think, that gold mine of a joke there, but don’t you worry, I am not going to forget the little people when I am famous. Children and medically height challenged alike.
3: Geologist / Palaeontologist
What with being at, what’s it called, oh right, university. Plus, I really like, like, really like Dinosaurs. I know where you think this is going and no, not to shag. Not unless they are wearing people clothes anyway. I really want to work at a museum, but this won’t really go with my inability to converse with new people or, well, stand children.
Try as I might, I can’t make any jokes about Geology, you have no idea how boring it is, it’s all about crap, not as much Dinosaurs as you would hope, and really ugly, un-rape able experts.
God, I know how that sounds, so just to be clear; I don’t go round wanting to rape people. Far from it, I can’t even watch films with rape in it. This my children is what we call irony, I laugh and joke about it all day, but when it is right in front of me I can’t handle it. I imagine this would work if I did actually shit in someone’s mouth like I go round threatening to do. Have you seen Last House on the Left?! I started watching it but I couldn’t get through the rape scene and turned it off. A year later, I thought, oh I haven’t seen that and downloaded it, a good 94 hours of downloading later, I put it on and again couldn’t sit through the rape scene, and instantly deleted it off of my computer. I mean, what with that and then I go round saying the things I do, I can only end up in a cell learning the real meaning of bestiality. I had to get it off my computer right away.
A vulgar prude. Name of first UK tour right there.
A pea birthday
Hello children, How are you? I just watched the sun come up. Note to self, you can not see the sun in South Wales, for many reasons;
1: I am in the bottom of a valley, all i see through my window is towering hill sides and 2: Its South Wales, there is a constant cover of clouds, we are lucky if light even gets through.
I have made this mistake before, one new years eve. My friends and i, when we were still at school, went to watch the sun rise on a new year at the most exotic of places, the local canal. We saw nothing more than a couple of rats fawnicating and a couple of rabid chavs en route home. Seeing this, the sun rise didn’t seem all that special.
I have been having trouble sleeping lately, when i say trouble i mean, i haven’t been sleeping, at all. It’s not good right? Not good at all. Strange really, because as soon as the sun does come up and i have morning classes i can’t seem to stay awake. And i, being the crumbler that i am, crumbles and goes to bed and not uni. I’m not complaining, i hate going to classes, i think this open university malarkey would be brill for me, but alas, if i drop out now they will want their student loan back, and well, i have spent it. All. On Junk.
Speaking of which, i had a lovely conversation with a woman from the bank the other day, she wanted to know where all my money had gone, i refrained from saying drugs, i dont think that would have gone down all to well. I know she could tell i was lying, i am not the best liar. You could hear it in my voice, i was stuttering, um-ing and err-ing, confusing my stories and contradicting myself. But she gave me the overdraft. I am not gonna slag off the bank, oh no, i enjoyed the outcome oh so very much, belive me, but really, commmmeee on. If she had listened hard enough she could have heard me tapping up a vein, or using the very same debit card SHE issued me to draw out a line.
In other news … shit, there really isn’t any other news, of importance anyway. I have just been living a quite safe and boring life, sleeping all day, spending time with my beautiful Tor; we went to the cinema yesterday, or the day before… (daylight confuses me at the moment) .. and we saw the Decent 2. Was just me and her in the cinema it was, apart from two other people who walked out half way through, leaving us alone, and shit did this film make me jump. Granted i fell asleep for half of it, but the bits i saw when Tor jabbed me awake were guuuuuud. Tor also took me out for a lovely meal, and it was, as you can imagine, lovely. Until Tor disappeared to the bar and the food turned up and the woman gave me a dodgy look as if to say, “Eating alone, and ordering two meals.. aw, what a pity.” Oh well.
I also had my meeting with the dinosaur expert at the museum, and it went very well. My fears of forgetting dinosaur names was realised, to hightand shame, when i went bright red, answered most of his questions with “I dont know,” and when i screamed when he took me, ‘behind the scenes’ of the museum, to his office and i had a scary moment with a life size model of an ice man in a wooden crate. You can only imagine the terror. You know when people say there is no real panic like the sheer panic you feel when you get your head caught in a jumper whilst trying to get it off, and you feel you may never get out, WELL, there is no panic, like the sheer terror you feel when you turn a corner and walk into a wooden crate to be met by a man with a grin on his face, a spear in his hand and a wooly mammoth ball sack on his head.
Despite all this, i have been granted access to the very expensive artifacts that aren’t on public display, which is lovely. I get to see the shit out back and i get access to closed off areas of displays that only real scientists can get near. Bit scared about this, i have a habit of breaking things due to sever clumsiness, but i guess we will have to see. To be honest, the out look is not great. What is great, is that to get into the displays i can only go on a Monday, as this is the day the museum is closed. Initially i wasnt overly pleased at the thought of this, imagining some sort of Night at the Museum get up, that was until i heard that on Mondays Dr Who is filming in the museum and so, on Mondays i shall be stalking said Dr. Oh yes.
Right, thats that, i must go because i am gonna go to uni today, shocking i know, its only two hours and well, i have alternative motives; i have to pick up my train tickets home for the holidays and my girlfriends house. I leave uni on Thursday for Birmingham, Thursday night we are going to see Josie Long gig in a little pub in Birmingham (ever so excited), Saturday is Hanukkah, and Sunday i get back to Manchester. It’s all going down this weekend. Eeeeeee…..
Do you remember me, or how to say my name?
– Todays blog is dedicated to Harriet and Tor, who just told me dogs are attracted to protein, much like how Flies are attracted to shit. My response? I pissed myself. Literally. -
Yo world. What be up with ya’ll dawgs??!
Thats right, i’m street now. Well, i’m not so, nevermind.
Its has been a while, right? Since we last talked i have had a birthday. A good birthday, a bad age. I dont wanna grow up, much more anyway.
Also, my computer blew up.
Well, i say blew up. I think a more accurate description on the incident would be it slowly stopped working, and then wouldnt work at all. There was no flames, no big bangs or scary explosions, as i see i may have led you to belive with the last statement. It was a really sad occasion see, i have had my computer for-EVER! It had my life on it and when it died it dragged all my work, music and shizzle with it. Depressing days indeed. Also, i can see how the word ’shizzle’ in the last sentence could be interpreted as porn, so just know, it does not mean porn.
ANYWAY, my Nanna bought me a new laptop to replace it. And, oh my it is beautiful.
For my birthday i had friends round and we got drunk, i went out with other friends and we got drunk. Nothing much out of the ordinary but i had a bloody good time. Especially with my lovely Tor. We hit up Chinatown as well, best idea ever, and best £8 wasted on a slice of sugar ever. Yes, slice.
We also saw Lady Gaga in a club.
This Lady Gaga…
… Yep. Thats what she was wearing.
Look at her face, so confused.
“Whaaaat? I look like Kermit just jizzed frog spawn all over me??”
Dont get me wrong, i love her, i think she is brilliant… and obviously hot. The new video for Bad Romance is amazing, apart from the one shot where she looks like Winehouse but apart from that she is hot like, 99% of the video.
Tor says it wasnt her in the club, and i can kind of see where she is coming from, i mean why would someone of high class like The Gaga be mixing with such crap as Michaela McQueen from Hollyoaks, who was also there. But she was. Also saw Lily Loveless on a train a couple of days later. She though, was just stalking me, im sure.
(Tor would like me to let you know she loves Michaela McQueen. Not like that! In a “friend” way. Soooo.. in a gay way then?!! ha.)
I am gonna wrap this up because i havent really got anything to entertain you with as all i have been doing is getting stoned and illegally downloading horror films and watching boys play for HOURS on, is it Call of Duty? I had a go but five seconds in Adam was screaming to me go faster, Matt was laughing that i was gonna get raped and the first person that shot me, killed me. Discovered thats not for me.
I have certainly not been going to uni or doing coursework. I am sorry if i have a life to live. An excuse i have used since school, jolly old south chadd, and still continue to use today. It works so all is good. However i have to go to uni tomorrow, at bloody 9am, as i have a practical lecture. Shit. I also have to see my dissertation tutor as i have a meeting with a dinosaur expert at the museum in Cardiff next week. Double shit. What if i forget the dinosaur names? What if i resort to making dinosaur noises to try and impress him?? What am i gonna wear? Is it gonna be weird if i wear a t-shirt with a Triceratops on, because i have one and i will!! Worst still, i have a 2 foot movable T-rex model that i am using to illustrate a point and so will be carrying through the streets of Cardiff on the day. It would look less wierd if i rode the bastard.
HANS did it!!
WARNING: Some readers may find some content offensive.
Todays topic, my lovelys, is inappropriateness where children are concerned. I have three examples that i have come across in the past few days that are representative of this. If anything they are bloody funny…
Number one: Today i got back from uni, and with my to do list bleeding guilt at me every time i looked at it, i just couldnt be arsed. So like all good people i watched a good hour of The Wild Thornberrys. Fundimently this is a childs program, it’s a cartoon to educate small children of different types of animals and their living habits and the importance of conservation, right? I’d say it was for an average age of ten-year olds? What i was doing watching it is not relevent at this time. So Eliza met a lioness that wanted to eat her. Woah! To much already. She says to the lioness she would help them hunt instead of be hunted and the lioness says ok, it will be easy as soon as you pierce the skin, rip it open and gnaw at the jugular!! Ok, maybe not the jugular bit. But still. Not content with filling children’s minds with some sort of wildebeest massacre, the lioness then goes on to say, ‘Spunk’. No explanation… just spunk. Was this some sort of question, was she offering a tasty appetizer to Eliza before they set out on their murder spree? I hope to god it wasnt fresh.
Number 2: I read somewhere a school teacher asked a student, no older than five, “Why do earthworms need the soil?” The kid answered, “He needs it for privacy, because he is always naked.” Now, Who told this child this?? Was it the family’s kooky uncle, did he demonstrate with his little naked earthworm? Have i gone to far? haha…
Number 3: Picture the scene, Tor and i ditch uni, we skip merrily to the train station, for today we were going to the zoo for a day of fun, animals and innocence. Along comes Hans my Hedgehog. Tor and I got on the train and we found a book of fairytales, children’s fairytales. The story is first of all about a child that is born, from human parents, who was upper half hedgehog and lower part human. Wait, What?? How the fuck did that happen?? What is wrong with this woman, Hans real farther must have been a hedgehog, i am not even gonna mention the size difference. Sadly, it gets worse.
Here are a few of the worst extracts from the story;
“…His mother could not nurse him because she might get stuck with his quills. So he lay behind the stove for 8 years, and eventually his farther grew tired of him and wished he might die, but he did not die. He just kept lying there.”
Wow. Thats a bit hard-hitting isnt it? 8 whole years? Bloody hell. Where were child services? His own farther wanted him dead! Surely he should be on the at risk register at least???
“One day there was a fair in town, and the farmer asked his son, Hans my Hedgehog, what he would like to have. “Father,” he said, “Just bring me some bagpipes.”
What? From a farmers market? WHAT?
“Hans my Hedgehog had his rooster shooed, and he mounted it, as if it was a horse and rode away to never come back, with only some donkeys and pigs with him.”
Wait… A shooed rooster???
I’d like to say that the story was just a mess of wierd shit like this, but it’s about to take a sinister turn.
“Hans My Hedgehog mounted his rooster, drove the pigs ahead of him into the village and ordered the slaughtering to begin. Whew! There was such chopping and butchering that the noise could be heard for miles around.”
Right. Ok, so this is obviously not a fairytale for young children, and defiantly not a bedtime story. What the fuck do you do when your child wakes you during the night crying because the pigs wont stop whimpering?!
“Then they said goodbye and drove away, and the king thought that would be the last he would ever see of his daughter. When they had gone a little way, Hans my Hedgehog took of her beautiful clothes and stuck her with his quills untill she was covered with blood.
“This is what you get for being so deceitful!” he said.”
RAPE? Hedgehog rape in a childs fairytale??? I wouldnt have been surprised if he had spat in her face and started calling her a slut, while quilling her.
It ends with him marrying a princess (not the one he so viciously raped) and he rips his skin off and burns it in a fire and becomes a handsome young man. So, a more sexually violent and brutal version of Beauty and the Beast then.
As a treat, because i know after reading this you have probably fell in love with Mr. Hans, here is a lovely picture of him. Right click and save…..
(Please note, the look of sheer distress on the Roosters face. He has seen things a rooster should never see. Ha. Says it all really.)
In the hustle and the bustle I feel I’m in trouble.
If you recall, last post i told you of the purple man of Bristol. Oh he was great. Today however, was only the first time i realised that this sort of people watching, discrimination some may say, could be considered a sport. Today whilst walking home from uni i saw, and i swear i am not going to exaggerate, a man wearing almost 100% leather, complete with tassels, and a bloody huge leather cowboy hat. We are in South Wales mate, not the wild west of North America. But i am sure that he knew this already as there was one subtle difference that confirms this. Whereas a real wild west cowboy would have a piece of hay hanging from his mouth, chewing the end, our leather clad friend did not. He had a, almost florescent pink, lollypop. LOLLYPOP??
I think this tops purple man. Only slightly though.
In other news, i have had a very productive day. Ohhhh yes. I had a lecture at 10am, but i got out of bed at 1pm. Dont judge me, i didnt go to bed until 5am. I went to the library, returned and took out books, i couched a depressed girl, against my will obviously, i washed four weeks of dirty clothes that are now spread all over my bedroom floor AND i cleaned the fish. However, my biggest achievement was hiding under a computer from the teacher of the class i didn’t attend this morning. AND avoiding being shouted at by my head of department for not doing my mapping by asking him about his favorite Dinosaurs. All in all, day well spent.
Kat and Sam visited from Manchester this weekend. It was fab-you-las.
I am off to Birmingham this weekend to see my lover, Tor. Who by the way has a new job and i am really quite proud of her. It’s also Halloween and i am going to convince her we need to dress up. It apparently someones birthday party this weekend (I dont really listen) but i dont care if it is fancy dress or not, i have decided on my costume and i am intent on wearing it. Thats right kids, a cross between a Dinosaur and Lady Gaga is what i shall be. Look out Halloween, i am going to rip you up.
Gagasaurus.
Finally, my housemate asked me earlier why is was so dark at just 6:30pm. He asked me at 5:30pm, I have no intention of telling him the clocks have gone back. None whatsoever.
