Hello children, How are you? I just watched the sun come up. Note to self, you can not see the sun in South Wales, for many reasons;
1: I am in the bottom of a valley, all i see through my window is towering hill sides and 2: Its South Wales, there is a constant cover of clouds, we are lucky if light even gets through.

I have made this mistake before, one new years eve. My friends and i, when we were still at school, went to watch the sun rise on a new year at the most exotic of places, the local canal. We saw nothing more than a couple of rats fawnicating and a couple of  rabid chavs en route home. Seeing this, the sun rise didn’t seem all that special.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately, when i say trouble i mean, i haven’t been sleeping, at all. It’s not good right? Not good at all. Strange really, because as soon as the sun does come up and i have morning classes i can’t seem to stay awake. And i, being the crumbler that i am, crumbles and goes to bed and not uni. I’m not complaining, i hate going to classes, i think this open university malarkey would be brill for me, but alas, if i drop out now they will want their student loan back, and well, i have spent it. All. On Junk.

Speaking of which, i had a lovely conversation with a woman from the bank the other day, she wanted to know where all my money had gone, i refrained from saying drugs, i dont think that would have gone down all to well. I know she could tell i was lying, i am not the best liar. You could hear it in my voice, i was stuttering, um-ing and err-ing, confusing my stories and contradicting myself. But she gave me the overdraft. I am not gonna slag off the bank, oh no, i enjoyed the outcome oh so very much, belive me, but really, commmmeee on. If she had listened hard enough she could have heard me tapping up a vein, or using the very same debit card SHE issued me to draw out a line.

In other news … shit, there really isn’t any other news, of importance anyway. I have just been living a quite safe and boring life, sleeping all day, spending time with my beautiful Tor;  we went to the cinema yesterday, or the day before… (daylight confuses me at the moment) .. and we saw the Decent 2. Was just me and her in the cinema it was, apart from two other people who walked out half way through, leaving us alone, and shit did this film make me jump. Granted i fell asleep for half of it, but the bits i saw when Tor jabbed me awake were guuuuuud. Tor also took me out for a lovely meal, and it was, as you can imagine, lovely. Until Tor disappeared to the bar and the food turned up and the woman gave me a dodgy look as if to say, “Eating alone, and ordering two meals.. aw, what a pity.”  Oh well.

I also had my meeting with the dinosaur expert at the museum, and it went very well. My fears of forgetting dinosaur names was realised, to hightand shame, when i went bright red, answered most of his questions with “I dont know,” and when i screamed when he took me, ‘behind the scenes’ of the museum, to his office and i had a scary moment with a life size model of an ice man in a wooden crate. You can only imagine the terror. You know when people say there is no real panic like the sheer panic you feel when you get your head caught in a jumper whilst trying to get it off, and you feel you may never get out, WELL, there is no panic, like the sheer terror you feel when you turn a corner and walk into a wooden crate to be met by a man with a grin on his face, a spear in his hand and a wooly mammoth ball sack on his head.

Despite all this, i have been granted access to the very expensive artifacts that aren’t on public display, which is lovely. I get to see the shit out back and i get access to closed off areas of displays that only real scientists can get near. Bit scared about this, i have a habit of breaking things due to sever clumsiness, but i guess we will have to see. To be honest, the out look is not great. What is great, is that to get into the displays i can only go on a Monday, as this is the day the museum is closed. Initially i wasnt overly pleased at the thought of this, imagining some sort of Night at the Museum get up, that was until i heard that on Mondays Dr Who is filming in the museum and so, on Mondays i shall be stalking said Dr. Oh yes.

Right, thats that, i must go because i am gonna go to uni today, shocking i know, its only two hours and well, i have alternative motives; i have to pick up my train tickets home for the holidays and my girlfriends house. I leave uni on Thursday for Birmingham, Thursday night we are going to see Josie Long gig in a little pub in Birmingham (ever so excited), Saturday is Hanukkah, and Sunday i get back to Manchester. It’s all going down this weekend. Eeeeeee…..

– Todays blog is dedicated to Harriet and Tor, who just told me dogs are attracted to protein, much like how Flies are attracted to shit. My response? I pissed myself. Literally. -

Yo world. What be up with ya’ll dawgs??!
Thats right, i’m street now. Well, i’m not so, nevermind.

Its has been a while, right? Since we last talked i have had a birthday. A good birthday, a bad age. I dont wanna grow up, much more anyway.

Also, my computer blew up.

Well, i say blew up. I think a more accurate description on the incident would be it slowly stopped working, and then wouldnt work at all. There was no flames, no big bangs or scary explosions, as i see i may have led you to belive with the last statement. It was a really sad occasion see, i have had my computer for-EVER! It had my life on it and when it died it dragged all my work, music and shizzle with it. Depressing days indeed. Also, i can see how the word ’shizzle’ in the last sentence could be interpreted as porn, so just know, it does not mean porn.

ANYWAY, my Nanna bought me a new laptop to replace it. And, oh my it is beautiful.

For my birthday i had friends round and we got drunk, i went out with other friends and we got drunk. Nothing much out of the ordinary but i had a bloody good time. Especially with my lovely Tor. We hit up Chinatown as well, best idea ever, and best £8 wasted on a slice of sugar ever. Yes, slice.

We also saw Lady Gaga in a club.
This Lady Gaga…

… Yep. Thats what she was wearing.
Look at her face, so confused.
“Whaaaat? I look like Kermit just jizzed frog spawn all over me??”

Dont get me wrong, i love her, i think she is brilliant… and obviously hot. The new video for Bad Romance is amazing, apart from the one shot where she looks like Winehouse but apart from that she is hot like, 99% of the video.

Tor says it wasnt her in the club, and i can kind of see where she is coming from, i mean why would someone of high class like The Gaga be mixing with such crap as Michaela McQueen from Hollyoaks, who was also there. But she was. Also saw Lily Loveless on a train a couple of days later. She though, was just stalking me, im sure.

(Tor would like me to let you know she loves Michaela McQueen. Not like that! In a “friend” way. Soooo.. in a gay way then?!! ha.)

I am gonna wrap this up because i havent really got anything to entertain you with as all i have been doing is getting stoned and illegally downloading horror films and watching boys play for HOURS on, is it Call of Duty?  I had a go but five seconds in Adam was screaming to me go faster, Matt was laughing that i was gonna get raped and the first person that shot me, killed me. Discovered thats not for me.

I have certainly not been going to uni or doing coursework. I am sorry if i have a life to live. An excuse i have used since school, jolly old south chadd, and still continue to use today. It works so all is good. However i have to go to uni tomorrow, at bloody 9am, as i have a practical lecture. Shit. I also have to see my dissertation tutor as i have a meeting with a dinosaur expert at the museum in Cardiff next week. Double shit. What if i forget the dinosaur names? What if i resort to making dinosaur noises to try and impress him?? What am i gonna wear? Is it gonna be weird if i wear a t-shirt with a Triceratops on, because i have one and i will!! Worst still, i have a 2 foot movable T-rex  model that i am using to illustrate a point and so will be carrying through the streets of Cardiff on the day. It would look less wierd if i rode the bastard.

Jesus. As it stands its 2am, i have a class at 9am, on the fucking Sahara Desert, and i am just sat here blaspheming and listening to fucking Dido. Dido? I have no idea what my iTunes new obsession with her is all about… but i like it. Pfft, i dont really need to go tomorrow, I have been to the Sahara, its pretty i will give you that, not as hot as you would think but you cant have everything right? I must be the only person in history to go to Egypt and come back whiter then when i left. I wanted to be a modern-day Cleopatra, all tanned and powerful, minus the braids. No one looks good in braids. Well, my complete experience of the Sahara involved, I kid you not, being held at gun point for wanting to buy some crisps and being mugged in the middle of the desert by a small child, of a T-shirt. I experienced the real desert, there is nothing i can learn in a class room, I was there. I WAS THERE!!!

Also, between you and me, I shouldnt really be going back to uni anytime soon as, well, today i cried in geography. Like a mother fucking child. In my defence a baby got washed away in a massive mud slide. A BABY! Its mother was screaming. It was too much for me to take. Then a horse got washed away too. And you know that horrible look animals give you, when they are scared or they dont quite agree with something? Well, this horse was doing that, i could see it in its eyes, and it wasnt because he was thinking, “hmm, no. I dont really appreciate this. I’d rather not be washed away thank you very much.” No, this horse was fucking shit scared. It was fucking awful. This was a video we watched by the way. It was almost on parr with the god awful rape in Hans my Hedgehog.

THAT, is on the internet if you want to watch it. They cut out the rape of the princess by a man hedgehog, i think you will be glad to hear. He does however turn it to a bird in the TV version. God knows why. I’d like to say it was some sort of metaphor for his wrong doings in the book but that seems unlikely.

I went to Birmingham at weekend to visit my girlfriend. It was nice and i achieved something i can only be very proud of. If not proud, slightly ashamed. I got very drunk on the friday and on the saturday we went into Birmingham city and met up with Tor’s friend, Tash. We met her in the park. Now, i am sure it is common knowledge that i once vomited in this park, mostly because i was sat on a bench and the whole of Birmingham stood and watched as i vomited, wiped my mouth and then continued to eat my chips. HOWEVER, people, i have raised my standards. Lieessss i hear you say. This coming from the girl who once let my friend vomit all over me, who watched two of my friends run naked down a main road and then went on to spend the night sleeping in the centre of a bowling green, so i understand that you are wary as you cant get much more classy then that. This saturday however, sat in the park, surrounded by Zombies, i could feel myself going under. I knew that i would not vomit there and then (again), i refuse to be heckled by a few hundred emo’s dressed as Zombies. NO! So we went to a pub, and i vomited there. I missed the toilet but that is besides the point. This pub is the poshest place i have ever been, well, pub anyway. It used to be a theater. Oooo.. say it like Nicole Kidman: The Moulin Rough years and it sounds more impressive. It’s very pretty. Worst thing? I vomited, feeling very sorry for myself, i ended up squatting in the cubicle and sobbing quite loudly. I figured i best shape up and go find Tor and Tash who were getting the drinks in. So i go out, only to find a woman stood outside my cubicle. I had to cough and pretend it wasnt me. Difficult really with vomit around my mouth and tears streaming down my face. The sneaky little bitch though, sneaking in, making me belive i was alone in there. I should have fucking twatted her. But then again, i am weaker than a fucking new-born and i dont really have the stomach to glass somebody. Not at that very moment anyway.

I had every intention to do work today but after 12 full hours of Malcolm in the Middle i cant say i regret my day. I can say i regret going out of my way to get Cheryl Cole’s new album. I like the single, but the rest of it, well its wank really isnt it? I’d still shag her though. God.

 

WARNING: Some readers may find some content offensive.

Todays topic, my lovelys, is inappropriateness where children are concerned. I have three examples that i have come across in the past few days that are representative of this. If anything they are bloody funny…

Number one: Today i got back from uni, and with my to do list bleeding guilt at me every time i looked at it, i just couldnt be arsed. So like all good people i watched a good hour of The Wild Thornberrys. Fundimently this is a childs program, it’s a cartoon to educate small children of different types of animals and their living habits and the importance of conservation, right? I’d say it was for an average age of ten-year olds? What i was doing watching it is not relevent at this time. So Eliza met a lioness that wanted to eat her. Woah! To much already. She says to the lioness she would help them hunt instead of be hunted and the lioness says ok, it will be easy as soon as you pierce the skin, rip it open and gnaw at the jugular!! Ok, maybe not the jugular bit. But still. Not content with filling children’s minds with some sort of wildebeest massacre, the lioness then goes on to say, ‘Spunk’. No explanation… just spunk. Was this some sort of question, was she offering a tasty appetizer to Eliza before they set out on their murder spree? I hope to god it wasnt fresh.

Number 2: I read somewhere a school teacher asked a student, no older than five, “Why do earthworms need the soil?” The kid answered, “He needs it for privacy, because he is always naked.” Now, Who told this child this?? Was it the family’s kooky uncle, did he demonstrate with his little naked earthworm? Have i gone to far? haha…

Number 3: Picture the scene, Tor and i ditch uni, we skip merrily to the train station, for today we were going to the zoo for a day of fun, animals and innocence. Along comes Hans my Hedgehog. Tor and I got on the train and we found a book of fairytales, children’s fairytales. The story is first of all about a child that is born, from human parents, who was upper half hedgehog and lower part human. Wait, What?? How the fuck did that happen?? What is wrong with this woman, Hans real farther must have been a hedgehog, i am not even gonna mention the size difference. Sadly, it gets worse.

Here are a few of the worst extracts from the story;

“…His mother could not nurse him because she might get stuck with his quills. So he lay behind the stove for 8 years, and eventually his farther grew tired of him and wished he might die, but he did not die. He just kept lying there.”

Wow. Thats a bit hard-hitting isnt it? 8 whole years? Bloody hell. Where were child services? His own farther wanted him dead! Surely he should be on the at risk register at least???

“One day there was a fair in town, and the farmer asked his son, Hans my Hedgehog, what he would like to have. “Father,” he said, “Just bring me some bagpipes.”

What? From a farmers market? WHAT?

“Hans my Hedgehog had his rooster shooed, and he mounted it, as if it was a horse and rode away to never come back, with only some donkeys and pigs with him.”

Wait…  A shooed rooster???
I’d like to say that the story was just a mess of wierd shit like this, but it’s about to take a sinister turn.

“Hans My Hedgehog mounted his rooster, drove the pigs ahead of him into the village and ordered the slaughtering to begin. Whew! There was such chopping and butchering that the noise could be heard for miles around.”

Right. Ok, so this is obviously not a fairytale for young children, and defiantly not a bedtime story. What the fuck do you do when your child wakes you during the night crying because the pigs wont stop whimpering?!

“Then they said goodbye and drove away, and the king thought that would be the last he would ever see of his daughter. When they had gone a little way, Hans my Hedgehog took of her beautiful clothes and stuck her with his quills untill she was covered with blood.
“This is what you get for being so deceitful!” he said.”

RAPE? Hedgehog rape in a childs fairytale??? I wouldnt have been surprised if he had spat in her face and started calling her a slut, while quilling her.

It ends with him marrying a princess (not the one he so viciously raped) and he rips his skin off and burns it in a fire and becomes a handsome young man. So, a more sexually violent and brutal version of Beauty and the Beast then.

As a treat, because i know after reading this you have probably fell in love with Mr. Hans, here is a lovely picture of him. Right click and save…..
(Please note, the look of sheer distress on the Roosters face. He has seen things a rooster should never see. Ha. Says it all really.)

If you recall, last post i told you of the purple man of Bristol. Oh he was great. Today however, was only the first time i realised that this sort of people watching, discrimination some may say, could be considered a sport. Today whilst walking home from uni i saw, and i swear i am not going to exaggerate, a man wearing almost 100% leather, complete with tassels, and a bloody huge leather cowboy hat. We are in South Wales mate, not the wild west of North America. But i am sure that he knew this already as there was one subtle difference that confirms this. Whereas a real wild west cowboy would have a piece of hay hanging from his mouth, chewing the end, our leather clad friend did not. He had a, almost florescent pink, lollypop. LOLLYPOP??

I think this tops purple man. Only slightly though.

In other news, i have had a very productive day. Ohhhh yes. I had a lecture at 10am, but i got out of bed at 1pm. Dont judge me, i didnt go to bed until 5am. I went to the library, returned and took out books, i couched a depressed girl, against my will obviously, i washed four weeks of dirty clothes that are now spread all over my bedroom floor AND i cleaned the fish. However, my biggest achievement was hiding under a computer from the teacher of the class i didn’t attend this morning. AND avoiding being shouted at by my head of department for not doing my mapping by asking him about his favorite Dinosaurs. All in all, day well spent.

Kat and Sam visited from Manchester this weekend. It was fab-you-las.
I am off to Birmingham this weekend to see my lover, Tor. Who by the way has a new job and i am really quite proud of her. It’s also Halloween and i am going to convince her we need to dress up. It apparently someones birthday party this weekend (I dont really listen) but i dont care if it is fancy dress or not, i have decided on my costume and i am intent on wearing it. Thats right kids, a cross between a Dinosaur and Lady Gaga is what i shall be. Look out Halloween, i am going to rip you up.

Gagasaurus.

Finally, my housemate asked me earlier why is was so dark at just 6:30pm. He asked me at 5:30pm, I have no intention of telling him the clocks have gone back. None whatsoever.

Hey. A miracle has happened. I have the internet now. Woo. But for having this slight happiness in my life, it was counter weighted by catching swine flu. Thanks god. If this is not swine flu then death is surely on its way. I havent breathed for nearly two days now, through my nose at least. I feel so ridiculously bad that if i doctor was to tell me the end is close, it would not surprise me. My friend, Adam came round today, invited me out for some food and i said, no because i am sick. And in his cheery little voice tells me that i caught it of him, two days ago, when he spent hours playing on my computer, building a Jurassic Park themed world. Best. Gift. Ever. Thanks Adam.

Right, not much has really happened, just living really and coursework and field trips, both of which suck. However, i am at the moment just starting out my dissertation and i am ever so excited about doing it as i am doing it on the analysis of dinosaur footprints; what they indicate about the dinosaur that made them etc. Fun fun. I also have a meeting with a Dinosaur expert at the museum in the city, scary shit. I’ve bought a shirt, a bloody shirt i tell ya. I was thinking posh clothage may impress him, but shopping for posh clothes ended in Tor and i standing in the bra section for a good while, deciding which to buy by considering the pro’s and con’s.

Speaking of Tor, we had some mega fun the other day, wagged uni and instead went to the Zoo. Bristol Zoo at that. Note to anyone going to the zoo any time soon: Whatever you do, do NOT go in the nocturnal area stoned to shit. Because you will spend 45 minutes coo-ing at an Armadillo thinking you can speak to it, and then lose your bearings a little and confuse a sloth for a monkey swinging at your face. In a room surrounded with glass with freaky animals with long fingers and giant eyes, you will twat out, start to sweat, maybe tear up a little, resulting in you grabbing your girlfriend arm and running, screaming out. Only, you will not run the right way, you would run deeper into nocturnal world, only to be faced with naked rodents running backwards, all naked and shit. I know this, because this is what happened to me. No lie. It’s a fucking freak show in there.

So, if you are so stoned what is the one thing you dont need to see? A man, dressed head to toe in purple?? Dragging a purple suitcase on wheels and wearing a purple bowler hat? Bristol, is a little fucked up too, in its own little way. I am not talking slightly purple, this man was wearing the most purple colour you can get, and every piece of clothing was exactly the same colour. The man was like a walking ad for Vimto. Shit, ram a stick up his arse and i would have had no problems believing he was a Vimto ice lolly. The man was PURPLE!

So, same day and the treats kept rolling in. Tor and i jump on the train in Cardiff, half an hours ride to go and we are treated to a live sex show. On the train. For pretty much all of the half hour. By people old enough to be our grandparents and fat enough to have eaten our grandparents. It was literally like being back at the zoo at feeding time. HAHA, that is sooooo harsh. It was so bloody funny as well, and the more i laughed the more Tor laughed, and the more i laughed. Until we were laughing so hysterically that we were crying, and the woman looked at us. So she wouldnt think we were laughing at her intimate time, we continued laughing whilst pointing at an article in the paper, just turns out it’s the head line; ‘Woman raped and murdered’. I think she knows we were laughing at her. But being the trooper she is, (i dont know her, but i imagine she is) she lunged, yes… LUNGED at the man and continued her dinner. HAHA!  There is just something so very wrong about hearing an old, greying lady saying to a man, she so obviously met on the internet, “I text you at 2am to see if you were still awake.” Even worse when she says it with no teeth in and goes on to giggle like a child. EVEN WORSE when he pipes up remembering he has brought her a present, turns out it’s a pack of Energiser AAA batteries. God, i dont wanna know.

But as you can see, i am not one to judge. Each to their own.

And finally three films, and three pieces of advise:

• Tormented: Watch it and see where Tor went to school, as it was film at her old school. Tis good, it’s also got kids from Skins AND Grange Hill in. None of the good ones though. AND the main girl was in my dream last night.
• Wrong Turn 3:  Shit. Three films in this saga, decreasing in interest from 1 to 3, but increasing in gore. Lots of gore. And eyeball eating.
• Underworld: oh my god. Literally the best film ever. Like Blade, but better. Plus the lead Vampire is hot. But not as hot as Jessica Biel, which is why it’s not as good as Blade 3. Seriously, Watch it.

Quote of the Day:  [on ET: the extraterrestrial]
“Burn the Freak,  Burn him dead.”
Well done Mitchell and Webb, well done.

Here’s the thing, I have moved back to university and Wales is yet to establish a nation wide internet connection it seems and so I have been on said internet, well, not a lot. I am assured the router will have arrived in four days, so I feel an invention, you know, in my waters and such.

Alas, lets get on to business. What has been occurring for you, my, most likely BOOMING public? Not much for me, which is nothing new. I have had a number of complements relating to this very blog when I arrived back here, which was lovely. However, when I say number, that number is, well, two. And I use the word complement very liberally. However, one was sweet, from my good friend, Gemma. Who I said I would give a shout out to, so here it goes: Hi Gemma!! I love Gemma she is lovely. I also harbour a hate for her. Only because she lives in Amsterdam and smoking z’pot is pretty much allowed over that way. In fact, Gemma tells me that people even get stoned on horseback!! HORSEBACK! Haha.

Anyway, as I was saying nothing much is new. I have bought some new shoes that are sexy. Like amazing, and have every colour on in the land. Mostly blue though. Blue and Orange. I also spent a lot of money on DVDs and games. It was probably not the wisest thing to do, seeing that all it has resulted in very large section of my student loan disappearing, and me staying in all day watching films about people getting stuck in lifts and playing Tomb Raider. What have I learnt from this? Well, I now know that if I were ever called upon, I would be the greatest Tomb Raider! AND, that I need to start going to my lectures. Its week two and I have missed a good six classes. If I don’t start going in I am guessing I am going to be all without a paddle and up a very famous creek, which name rhymes with Brit.

Fuck it.

I don’t really need a degree anyway, I am pretty sure I can make a living getting drunk. Evidence? So last Friday I went out with a couple of friends and got drunk. But with no cash, I set out to find a cash machine. This was before my days of homing in on my Tomb Raiding skills so I was yet unprepared for this search and was finding it a difficult task. It could be that, or the fact that no pub in shitty Failsworth has a cash machine. Maybe, where the Internet is a mind-fucking concept for Wales, cash machines are just a bit too much for Failsworth to handle. Anyway, so I asked a man if he knew where there was a cash machine, and he asked what I wanted. After a moments thought it was indeed cash, I said. And the man gave me a fiver. And another man Sam had trapped in conversation gave her a fiver too. He did say he was a millionaire though, sat alone in the corner of a shitty little pub, off his tits and then went on to steal Sams shoes. I also, this evening, dropped Sam on her face and saw her vulva. Yep, Vulva. She doesn’t know this, but it wasn’t while she was sleeping so its ok. It was fanny-tastic, minge-nificent. HAHAHA!

Enough of that. Other things that have occurred include the drive down to Wales which involved a bucket, a lot of green vomit, (thanks to Kathryn feeding me a good gallon of the most alcoholic thing in the world) and a pit stop at, first of all, a motorway side petrol station to hose the vomit off of me with the free jet hose. And secondly, at a dodgy little Diner in the depths of the Welsh valleys that was very accommodating regardless of the smell of death, inbreeding and flies all lingering in the air. I had chips.

Another thing that happened was this. Slightly gross but bare with me. So I acquired six big bottles of Lucozade, and was unaware of my dislike for Lucozade until I started to drink one. But I persevered and after little over two days they were all gone. Question I have for you is this, was this enough to make my blood Orange? Because my period later that day was certainly not red. It was very orange, like carrot orange. I just thought you should know.

Right, Over and out children.

Things i have learnt, or done, this summer.

- I have learnt i really do enjoy a bit of Cheryl Cole. Looking at her face makes me smile. And this, i enjoy. I can watch The X Factor with the sound off and still have a jolly good time because her smile is so damn infectious. Unfortunately, there is no chance of this happening as my Nana, with whom i watch The X Factor, has the TV on so loud it hurts to listen and so you can barely hear, which in effect is the same thing i guess.

- If you are ten feet in the air and stuck up a tree, don’t imagine your friends, or even your girlfriend would catch you. Because when it comes to it and your hurtling through the air at them, they all dodge you in the end.

- I spent most of my nights falling asleep with Fionn Regan in my ears. Musically, of course. Not in some perverted, abstainers all the way but in the ear is fine, way. No. Just…. no.

- Don’t refer to someone who isn’t your girlfriend as “The fittest person you have ever met” to your current girlfriend. Don’t be a dick and split up with your girlfriend mid argument (Twice), it doesn’t go down to well. Infact overall, just don’t be a shit girlfriend.

- I also learnt alot about my friends that i have had for along time. Some good, some bad. Some… slightly confusing. I also realised who are my real friends, cliche as this sounds, who are not and who are never gonna change the way they feel.

- Clearly, i can not watch an episode of Deal or No Deal without crying.

- When a description of a film includes the words “Strong Erotic Violence” never, ever watch it. No matter what it is about, who is in it, or who said it was good. These three simple words straight away should scream NO! I learnt this the hard way and i had to suffer not only the worst acting ever, but i also had to endure strong erotic violence. I guess i should have seen it coming. By the way, no it wasn’t porn, it was an actual well know-ish (i think) film, but it might as well have been porn. *vomits*

- I seem to becoming more and more addicted to drugs, and when i come back from uni, usually i think fuck, I’m fucked. This summer i learnt the best place to get drugs in this beautiful city is from my equally beautiful, younger cousin. And when he gets me what i need and all my money is gone, he buys us beer so we can have quality time together. The next day though, when we are sat side by side on our Nana’s settee and she’s giving us the “knowing look”, whilst i am white and my cousin is gurning away, it doesn’t always seem like the best of ideas. Gia Carangi has nothing on us… i wonder who will play me in the movie.

- I also found out that all my Aunties are apparently eagerly awaiting the arrival of my first child. I am not pregnant, nor do i feel i am old enough to have a child, nor do i feel my girlfriend would be overly pleased if i suddenly announced the new addition to our little family.

- No matter how long it takes to drive to London, to wait for a plane to arrive, to board, to set off, to fly to Spain, to collect bags, to get on two buses that take you seven hours deep in to the middle of nowhere in the Spanish mountains, if i get there and my tent is wet and cold, i will leave the very next day even if my flight home is not scheduled for another month.

- I have read the same two books, one three times and one twice.

- Realised the best parts of the summer is when me and Tor are in the middle of the woods, in the middle of no where, with a hand drawn map that we are not even sure is the right way up. Walking about for hours in the summers heat, looking for fossils and getting lost, eventuality finding a pub and getting drunk. Enjoyed it so much, we did the same a good few times. I had fun.

- Also realised that i cant get though a day with out Tor. Stupid as it sounds its getting harder and harder to be apart from her.

- Dressing up as a giant cat, in a full body furry cat suit, will every time, cause the dog to try and rape you. Every time. On the same note, don’t eat pasta in front of a dog with dysfunctional spit glands, and so resulting in dribble soaked pants. On the same note, again, don’t tease said dog with his favorite ball, prompting him to bite your face, breaking your nose. Just don’t.

- I drank some off milk, it gave me the shits. Just as this cleared up, i fancied some milk. It tasted like fish, this is yet to fuck me up.

- Having three people sit in the front of a car, that has two seats in the front, is apparently totally illegal. Especially when one of them is off her face on a bottle of vodka and a spiked joint. *cough* Yep, you!! Tut Tut. Ha.

- I  also stumbled upon my love for Shania Twain again. Its been a while as Tor forbids me from listening to her in our house. Which is a shame because he songs make me smile, to even Cheryl Cole standards! In fact i forgot all about her, especially when referring to The Hot List. A few posts back it was debated who should be number five, (After Gillian Anderson, Maja Ivarsson, Lily Loveless, and Elizabeth Mitchell.) It came about that it was a toss up between Milla Jovovich and Jessica Biel. Unfortunately, i am unsure who was decided upon but, alas to say, with the realisation that Shania does actually exist, she is number five. And calling to the unearthly hotness of Milla and Jessica, they can be joint 6th.

Thank god that’s sorted. Thats it, now piss off!

Its been a while, but i am lazy and just lately not at the computer, so i thought id get this in while i can. Shall we do this in bullet points?!… yes.

- I went to stay at Tor’s for a while. It was lovely as always. But i have been back almost a week now and i cant really remember what we did that was funny or otherwise. So that week of my life shall forever be a mystery to you. We did however, go out alot. Well, everyday to nature reserves, woodland areas and the always favorite Geology museum. (Where i ever so gracefully broke the water cooler. No more chats about sex and the city for them bitches at Birmingham University.) Suffice to say, we spent most of the week lost in uncharted woods stumbling upon some fucked up things, like an old guy burying something under a tree, and a church in the middle of the woods that we kept stumbling upon. Even after walking a straight line away from it. It was like something from The Blair Witch Project or that bit in Hatchet. Have you seen Hatchet? Its a really good film. A little bit fucked up in some parts but good overall.

We also ate, what can only be described as a pie made for a giant. Was such a good pie though. At a pie factory none the less!!

- This weekend i pretty much crashed at my friends house all weekend. We had a lovely time. We got drunk on champagne and brandy, got very stoned and i slept in the spare room spooning the dog. Don’t judge me, he was so big and warm, and he had the most beautiful “come to bed” eyes!
Note to self: Bestiality = Wrong.

Speaking of getting stoned. The other day, i was sufficiently stoned and i wanted a mushroom. Don’t ask why, i don’t fucking know. So i put it in the microwave and went off to watch TV. Five minutes later and the fire alarm goes off, so i run in to the kitchen and the whole microwave was on fire. Like real flames, big orange ones. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? So i thought, shit, do i deal with the flames or the alarm first, as i watched them licking up the wall. I obviously choose alarm, ran upstairs, turned it off, and then slowly ambled down stairs to see if the fire had run its course and put its self out. It hadn’t. So i put it out, with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER! haha nah, with a wet rag really. Two things resulted from this:
1: At least i know the fire alarm works. And,
2: My mushroom was very chewy and small, very small.

Its quite an achievement that i was able to do this, and get stoned in the house and my mum not smell it. Usually if she smells anything, like, anything, she is on it like a dog on bitch shit.

- And finally, i am going to leave you with a quote from my Nana.
I was talking to her the other day and she slowly turned her head to look and me and with the most animated expression you could ever see on a person, she opened her mouth and said: “Say Whatttttttt?”

Brilliant.

Its a shame really, because no matter how much i beg or try, the answer is always the same, and its not the answer i want, what i want is her.

But that is a story for another time.

In the news today; I have had a day of doing fuck all at last. My friend came over earlier and her dog shit in my garden and bounced about on my mothers bed. It’s OK though, because he is one sexy dog. Like, i would imagine if he was a person, he would be a heartthrob. Shagging a different girl each night and partying till dawn. But he’s not, he’s a dog, with no balls, so he cant.

Yesterday, Kat and i painted the bathroom and the stairs. The stairs we did a pinky purple, which i am gonna call HOT PINK! I liked it, it looks nice. We painted the bathroom a nice magnolia, however the paint wasn’t sticking and when we tried to paint over it it just came off. This is because, my dear children, we didn’t read the paint tub and so were using emulation instead of bathroom paint. We went over it in blue bathroom paint, but it didn’t work any better due to the undercoat, and so the bathroom remains unfinished to this day. What did get painted, however, was the dog. HOT PINK! He looked beautiful and destined for a day on Canal Street, where a bunch of leather wearing, handle bar moustached homos, would have most likely picked him up. Ahhh love.

I am going to Tor’s on Tuesday. I cant wait. I miss her.
We are gonna have so much fun. Plans for trips out is what we have. A week of sitting in the rain, looking a rocks, a few museum visits. Let me ask you, have you ever heard anything so fucking fun. I haven’t.

Tuesday day, we are having a few drinks to honor a great man on his birthday. My grandfather. I think he would have wanted me to get drunk, or at the very least, publicly unacceptable.

New tab at the top of the page, STRIPS! I stole this idea from somebody else. However all the strips posted are my own. I don’t steal. (Anymore) I don’t know these people so its OK. In fact, i may start saying it was completelly my idea. Can i deal with a law suit at the moment in my life?? I think i can…. enjoy!